The thought has been plaguing me lately. The nagging thought at the back of my mind that I have gotten bad at creating and maintaining relationships; the frightening certainty that I am neglectful of my friends old and new. I used to be really good at calling, emailing, and facebooking people- and I used to feel really bad when I felt my efforts were not being reciprocated. Lately, though, I realize that I don’t feel the sting of what I used to consider “rejection” from my friends- probably because I’m now just as uncommunicative as they used to be.
I blame it on love and travel.
We’re hopelessly in love, Liebling and I, so smitten we are with one another that often the other’s company is all we seek. I promised to never be one of those girls who is joined at the hip with her man but we have such a great time together that it’s easy to do things as a pair- just the two of us. I’ve gotten caught up in my love story. After being in a long-distance relationship for a year and a half, we are making up for lost time and hungry for each other’s companionship. In addition, it’s easy to do stuff together, especially on the spur of the moment, since we live together.
Liebling and I in the airport when he came to visit me in Canada last summer
As for travel, I realize that while I live in London, I am never here, especially not mentally. I work at a school during the week, then on the weekend and holidays I am almost always gone: to Newquay and to Norway, to Monaco and to Malta. Mentally, even on a Wednesday I am thinking ahead to Saturday and being somewhere else, actively fleshing out my itinerary for [insert destination here] as I walk the streets of London. During the week I don’t really go out- since I am recovering from my busy weekends/holidays. Intentions of writing my friends back home or even calling my mom are dashed when I’m planning or a trip, hustling to make it to the airport on time or typing up a post about my most recent adventure on the blog.
This failure at keeping in touch extends to the new friends I’ve made here in London as well. I’ve been really lucky to connect with some of the most wonderful people here, particularly in the blogging community. But at best, I see them monthly. Because travelling so much has made me disconnect from my friendships.
A few of the new friends I’ve made in London. Great people!
I feel guilty.
There are unanswered messages in my inbox that I meant to return but just never got around to. There are unfulfilled promises of Skype dates and phone calls, and plans to meet up for breakfast/lunch/dinner with my new London friends that have fallen through because of me. This has got to change.
When I think back to the best times I’ve had in life, the happiest moments I’ve lived, they’ve always happened because of the people. Not the places, not really what I did while there… But the people I spent my time with.
I feel like I want to take a step back from travel and from my relationship to reconnect with people back home and in London.
Because people are important. Particularly those people who love and care about you, those people who make you laugh, are willing advisors and confidantes and shoulder-to-cry-on providers.
I’m going to try my best to invest more in these people, keep in touch better; it’s going to start by returning those messages and making those Skype calls.
Are you good at keeping in touch with people? How do you manage to make the time with a hectic work/life schedule?
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m terrible at maintaining friendships too and I absolutely blame it on travel. It’s so easy to get caught up researching your next destination and focusing all of your creative energy on this single point in the future when you get to go away that’s easy to forget living in the now. At least you caught yourself and have acknowledged it’s something you need to work on.
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I´m hoping that now I´ve identified the problem I´ll do better!
I understand where you’re coming from. If I lived in London, I’d be doing traveling too if I could. But yes, as you say, people are what make things memorable or enjoyable. I’m very good at keeping in touch-I can’t say why, I just really enjoy it. I hate leaving messages go for days and try to reply as soon as I can, if not right away. Perhaps it’s just a part of my anal retentiveness, perhaps it’s a result of living abroad, away from my friends and family, but not being a traveler (I originally came to Oz to study). Given I’m pretty happy in my own company, I find it hard to keep in touch with others who have busy lives or partners or kids etc. I feel like I might be annoying them by trying to constantly keep in touch.
I wish you luck in trying to improve your keep-in-touch ability. But also enjoy being together with the boy after such a long separation
Sarah Thériault recently posted..The True North, Strong and Free.
I really need to adopt your policy of responding to emails right away! I always put it off and then they start to pile up and it gets daunting! Sometimes I think that I need to live life in the slow(er) lane and pare down my committments so I have less stuff to tend to!
Unless you believe in reincarnation, this life is the first and last one you’ll have. If you like your life as it is now, don’t feel too guilty. Just find a happy balance between friends and what you’re already doing. There’s no time to feel bad for having fun
. At least you are still keeping in touch with your friends and family via your blog.
I would give my arm and leg to have a life like yours. Even though I am finally in Rome, I don’t have a partner who wants to be with me 100% of the time. I don’t have a bunch of friends here. I don’t have enough money to go to other countries now that I’m here. Nevertheless, I am going to find happiness with what I have and try to have no regrets or feel bad about not keeping in touch with family and friends as much as I should. I love them dearly, but I need to do what make me happy while maintaining a good-enough relationship with them just like they have to do for themselves. Sounds a bit selfish, but it is true. Practically all of us are selfish in a way because most of us want to be happy, and we cannot always depend on others to find that happiness.
Anyway, I’ll shut up. I know I am making no sense haha. I look forward to the next trip!
“There´s no time to feel bad for having fun” ——-I LOVE THIS! You are right, I should stop feeling guilty and just rejoice in my blessings! At the same time I really could be doing better on the keeping in touch front. But living life with no regrets is what it´s all about, I wholeheartedly agree!!
I can sometimes awful at keeping in touch with people. As I’m travelling around Canada at the moment, I have invented Skype Sunday to catch up with my family and boyfriend. This has now become habit and is second nature. But keeping in touch with my bestfriend, who has a little girl, is challenging as she is always busy as a working mum and we rarely get time to chat! Then when we do finally skype, we’re chatting for hours because there is so much to catch up on. Planning a short holiday with friends you don’t get to see too often is another great thing to do. I’ve planned a girly holiday to Dublin for when I return home in November.
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Great tips! I love the Skype Sunday idea- will have to employ that! Scheduling contact is key. Also, I did a girls´trip to New York City last summer with my best friends and it was a fantastic way to connect- very intense, but fantastic nonetheless!
Balance is hard! I definitely have those times when I feel like it’s my fault that I have no clue what’s going on with people at home, and in Santiago I’ve turned down my fair share of happy hours and dinners either because of prior commitments or because I need a night to just relax in between all those prior commitments. Sometimes you just need to stay put for a minute and take time to catch up – sounds like maybe that might be exactly what you need right now!
Emily in Chile recently posted..Saturday in Santiago: Café Lucca
I hear ya! Because there are so many things to do in London and so many people to meet, I often find myself double and even triple booking myself! Then, because I am so tired from going to so many events, I find I drop off the face of the earth and people wont hear from me for a month! So bad!
I’m a compulsive emailer – I always email people back.
However, I’m not very social and need lots of time to recharge so I often turn down social occasions with friends just so I can be at home and relax.
Deidre recently posted..Are you flexible?
I get what you mean! Socializing in real life can be exhausting- I often say yes to meeting up with people and then realize that I really should be at home recharging my batteries and catching up on emails/phone calls with ppl back home! Aargh! All about balance!
Your friends will be really happy and I am sure you will happy too. Keeping some connections going while abroad is indeed priceless.
Kimvan recently posted..It’s Almost time for Summer Break
Agree!! Sometimes the time difference is a killer though, especially when I want to talk to people on the phone or on Skype!
You have a wonderful sacred union relationship with your beloved Liebling. I think that it is beautiful that you got caught up in your own love story and that Liebling got caught up in it with you since he is the other half of it. You and Liebling care about nurturing your relationship. You also obviously truly enjoy each others company. You have a treasure in Liebling and I encourage you to always love him as you do. I don’t think it is necessary for you to step back from your relationship with him as much as you may need to cherish your friends a bit more by making a sincere effort to respond when they contact you. You can treat getting together with friends the same way you treat traveling the world. When you are not traveling why not invite friends over for lunch or dinner with you and Liebling or plan to meet at a great restaurant.
As for calling your Mom why not set aside a day each week for calling and chatting. Mom’s are very special.
I think that every woman says that she will never be one of “those women” who become joined at the hip to her man until she falls deeply in love herself. So try not to feel too badly. At the same time please do answers those emails and make those skype calls. Friends are not to be forgotten; especially when they have been wonderful friends to you.
Let us know how you make out.
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Thanks so much for your insight and input! It´s true that I´m lucky to have found a partner with whom I click so totally! I just wish it was easier for me to keep in better touch with those who have also had an impact on my life! Will let you know how I make out!
This has been my big challenge with traveling/being a nomad as well!! And sometimes it just gets difficult even if you are in one place but you have friends all over the globe. You’re right — at the end of the day, people are the most important thing and I think it’s great that you are recommitting yourself to it… all it takes is a little reaching out and people will meet you there! But at least you have this blog — I’m sure people at least feel like they are keeping in touch with you by reading it! I know I feel like I (kinda) know you from reading all these years (even though I know I don’t!)
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To be honest, I think that friends/family read my blog less and less as time goes on- they are busy too, I guess!! That being said, I´ve picked up a lot of new friends/acquaintances/cyber buddies via this blog so I´m not complaining! And at the end of the day, it´s here for people to read if they are willing and able!
I’m horrible at keeping in touch and it’s only gotten progressively worse as I pile more and more on my plate (travel and otherwise). I’ve been doing a bit better catching up with neglected family the last two weeks in the US. Leaving again in a few days and going to work harder to not make a funeral the reason I reconnect again. Good luck.
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I think the best approach is to send short messages every once in a while just to show that you are thinking about people back home, the problem is scheduling them in!
This is so true. I’ve always been horrible at keeping in touch, but since I started traveling, my correspondence has reached new lows. People I meet while traveling usually get one or two facebook messages before I forget they exist, my friends from college hear from me every few years and my family gets an email every six months.
If you figure out a way to reverse the trend for yourself, I hope you put it in a future post. And please hurry, while I still have a few friends left.
Daniel McBane recently posted..Dodging Monkeys, Snakes and Tattoos in Marrakech, Morocco
If I come up with a solution, I´ll be sure to let you know! I find that FB is a really good way to stay in contact though!
I thought that by getting an iPhone i’d be much better at returning emails because i’d be able to type away while on the commute to work. It hasn’t turned out that way – at all. I’m just as bad if not worse at returning messages. I too see people only once a month in London – but friends have agreed that that’s just LONDON. IT’s the average. People live far away and unless they’re in your neighbourhood, it takes a lot of planning to get together.
Here’s what I’m going to do… start harassing you. i need to go for more runs. you like runs. let’s run to eachother. and then eat. because we both like eating too. and sit by the river and talk. what say you, my lovely angel?
jen recently posted..The Wool Fair at Spitalfields City Farm
I totally thought that I´d be in better touch with a smartphone, too, but it hasn´t been the case, argh!! You are right, we totally need to hang out more, I´ve been so happy to meet you and hang with you in London! I´m back at the end of the month, will send you an FB message so we can get together for a run/chat/catch up!
Oneika, you are NOT alone! I am so guilty of this. I love my friends/family deeply but life and time with my “honey” (of almost 7 years), often has a way of taking over. I’ve grown to realize that I can’t do EVERYTHING at one time. I do my BEST & handle things as they come. We are hard on ourselves but we have to remember the “value” of having these great friends. True friends are forgiving, understanding, & will pick up right where you left off; as if nothing ever happened. And when necessary, they will give us a good kick in the rump & put us in check!! Lol!! Stay beyond blessed Oneika. You are my traveling inspiration <3
Thanks for the wise words! I really need to come to the realization that I wont be able to do and see everything and keep in touch with everyone. I always feel so bad though!
I know exactly what you mean, and I also think that it has something to do with London like many of the other commenters have also pointed out. Somehow in London you always feel that you are so busy or so tired that you can’t get back to people right now. So you you try to get back to them tomorrow, maybe… I know I’m guilty of that, I really need make a better effort also to keep in touch!
Jarmo recently posted..Pamplona – a City Getting Ready to Party
I think that the distances and the fact that the transport in London is pretty poor (especially on weekends) is a factor as well!
Oh Lord, tell me about it. I don’t even have time to blog. Posts are just piling up in the Drafts folder it’s not even funny. Being in Nice (or London or wherever) is just geography and serves to amplify what I really want in life: being on this continent and gadding about when I can.
As for the love affair part, ditto. My favourite travel/dining/do anything partner is my hubby. I don’t really seek out other people because we love doing stuff together; we have the same vibe. So, just go with it.
How do I keep in touch? I admit the only person I’m directly in touch with is my mother. I call her once a week and I get caught up on the rest of the family. Other than that, I email when I feel like it. My advice to you: don’t beat yourself up. We can’t be everything to everyone all the time and fulfill the things we want. Maybe you need to put ‘keeping in touch’ in your calendar and treat it like a meeting or something. Just a tip. Bonne chance et à bientôt j’espère!
Tanya recently posted..Rocking it with Johnny Hallyday
Having time to blog is a whole nother ball game! Your tip about scheduling “keeping in touch” time is priceless, though I can´t believe that it has really come to that! I guess we are really living life in the fast lane…
Neiks – I have ALWAYS been terrible at keeping in touch and with each passing year I vow to be better. It’s comforting to know that despite the drop in my lines of communication the best friends I have will always welcome me back with open arms when I finally make that contact. I’m absolutely certain the same is true for you
True, but sometimes I worry if my excuses for not keeping in touch are enough! Life does have a habit of getting in the way though
There is a truth that people don’t like to acknowledge, when you meet the love of your life, friendships go from ‘absolutely necessary’ to nice to have. You’re no longer in the zone of having your mother warn you about needing friends when you eventually break up because this is The One. There won’t be any breaking up. So, on the one hand, relax. This is normal.
But the truth is that having friends grounds us, it makes our experiences and travels that much bigger. I had the opposite problem to you – I wasn’t bad at keeping in touch, I was just tired of sending emails and photos home and getting no response. So yes, your promise to keep in touch more and find a balance is a good one.
Balance is key and I’m not sure you need to take a “step back from travel” to find it. Maybe just knowing when you’re going to see people will help. With my old friends in London (school and uni friends) we make sure that we don’t leave each other’s company without making a date for our next meeting, even if we do only get together once a quarter.
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Interesting perspective and in a way I think that it’s true… I was talking to Liebling about this and he agreed that it’s normal/natural for you to focus more of your energies on that special someone/the “one”. But I still feel terrible about it! It’s funny because I used to be the one messaging all the time and not getting an answer, oh how things change! At any rate, I have been so happy to get to know you in London and hopefully will get better at scheduling events so we can hang more often!
lol – I guess I could consider myself one of those neglected people as you and I just met, but I think the exact opposite. I love that you travel and think that London – as great as it is – is most wonderful because it’s such a great hub for getting to other places. So keep travelling; those that truly like/love you will understand your need and you’ll be able to pick up where you left off; and you’re inspiring loads of people – people of African descent and females particularly – to travel themselves. I tell everyone I can about your blog.
As for you and me; we’re probably more likely to meet somewhere outside of London than in London itself and I love that.
~e~
Thanks lady! I really appreciate your support and the fact that you are spreading the world about ye olde blog! But we really need to make sure that we hang out in London!!